speechless

today morning, i woke up late.. shud met my sys at 9.30 but due to some reason of me sleeping late, i woke up at 10... so was in a rush in the morning and met my sys at 10.30.. the slacked wif her at block 689' senior corner n she had to go off at 11... thought of tagging her along to eunos to meet her frens n make more new frens.. but too bad, had promised eyfa to follow her to clementi for something... so waited for wan till 12+.. n i was alone all along while waited for hym... met hym then went to buy cig at boon lay... i was hurt but yet happy as i could at least see n talk to hym even though we r no longer together... talked while walking n we were talking lyk normal frens.. i was glad enuf tat i was able to hold back my tears wif my smile... im not sure if he notice or not tat i was a little crazy as i was trying my best to hold my tears from bursting in front of hym... glad to hear tat he is going to find job... but isn't it goin to make u tired dear..? haiz... nvm.. im not going to say anitink as i don wanna make an impression to others tat im preventing u from doing this n dat...aft bought the cig, we walk to our separate ways... he went to mit atop n i went to meet eyfa.. met eyfa at her house then went out wif her 1+ to 2... bus-ed to clementi n walked again towards her so called fren's blok.. blablabla... proceed back to jp at 3.30 n text bear.. met bear a pondok lib at 4+ then slacked wif hym all the way till 6.30... went back home for a while n out again at 6.45 to meet them again.. slacked n eyfa had to go off then left me wif bear.. talked bout many things... all about life, relationship n stuff.. did talked seriously yet still joke ard.. both me n bear had the same feeling for the relationship part.. hahas.. jiwer lhar seyh.. haiz... so passed hym one song n let hym hear it... he was lyk.."sial lah... kimek..." almost every words has its own meaning tat has something to do wif us.. hais.. went back home at 8.00 n now, im here blogging n listening to jiwang songs... mama is getting more irritated by this.. haha..! serve u ryte mom! haiz... now, im speechless... just hoping tat he will realise the mistake he is doing now.. n only me wif one of my fren knew the mistake tat he is doing but he didnt realise it... haiz...

due to my stupidity..

nvr expected tat 26 march 2010 will b our separation date.. i noe tat i had done alot of mistakes... n i mean ALOT!! but y u just cant tell me n tegor me wen i did the mistakes.... jus for u to noe, im the kind of person yg senang kene influence... i just cant control myself n then wil intend to do stupid things... u said tat u dont lyk me saying im stupid but tats the fact! as wat u can see.... due to my stupidity, all these thing happens..!

1) went out wif ex without thinking of your feelings..

2) had a love bite from faiz..

3) hug n kiss from khai..

4) stole things even u said no..

5) talks bout faiz in front of you..

6) hide cig away from u..

7) had thought of leaving u..

i noe tat is all due to my stupidity..! i alwayz think of myself.. i admit i wanna change to a better person..! but i cant.. i will just intend to go back to my past..! im sry... i admit all is mt stupidity! now, after u left me, i noe i cant leave without u.. i kept on thinking of u day n nyte! n tat is a real situation..! not trying to sweet talk or wat.. but its the fact...! watever i do, i kept on thinking of u.. even if faiz contact me, i just cant erase u off my mind.. had never been in this situation before.. in the past, if the guy ask me for a break, i will juz be happy n find a new guy.. but for u, i just cant! i just cant.... i love u dear... wen i saw u passing by my balcony just now, i just intend to turn back.. i just cant hold my tears back... its just hard for me.. 2 days... for 2 days i had been crying n blaming myself... now, i couldnt cry... my tears r dry.. but just for you to noe, my heart n bleed n hurt.... not because of you but because of myself... for being stupid... for being the reasons of our break up... sry dear... im really2 sory.... aft i had received to by god's approval tat u wil giv me a second chance, i was really2 appreciate tat... thx... as for you to noe, i will just wait for the day to come even though i wont be the same.. i might be going to the dark side wihout u by my side.. i maybe going to the bright side if im strong enuf but now, i don think im able to go to the bright side... as im now leading to the dark side... hope tat u wil return to me real soon as i cant think straight without u.. im now half to the dark side.. soon, i will be at the dark side forever... i nid u boi... i really2 miss n i really2 love u... im sry for the past... sry..

nightmare....

yesterday was a nightmare to me.. i cried all night thinking of it... now, im totally confused of who am i going to go wit.. wan, khai or faiz?? i bet u people may guess how i feel if u were in my place... y shud this happens wen im in relationship wif someone...? i love wan n on the same time both of them.. they are juz too nice to me... y shud faiz came back to me at this moment of tym?! plz! i don wan my relationship to spoil just because of these... eventhough my relationship n wan is rocky now, can you lyk don add it on.. i m who i am... will nvr break up just lyk dat... told didi bout it but he says many of the bad points about wan n khai... but on the other hand, he did no noe who is faiz..! faiz is a nice person but y shud he juz left me in a glance n went wif another gurl?! i noe its hard for me to face the reality at the point of moment... but if we look at the other side, i am nobody to control hys life... told hym tat i was not at hym last nite but he said tat it willl make hym harder to face me... haiz... people, wat shud i do now....?!

now you will noe k!

not all may noe tat i had been smiling without sincerely.. i may laugh n join ard wif your jokes but im crying inside... n again, only some people noe bout it... but not fully as different people, i tell them the next reasons... i wont tell a single person fully as i noe it will make an easy way for people to understand me but im not easy, i wont let anione noes the real me... not a single soul...

for me, im now a failure for this few days as i had been a lousy person since i had been sacked from the ofis werk place... lyk wth! y my life shud be lyk dis! can i juz have some peace plz....! for god sake! im not feeling well n yet dis kind of things happened! k fine! nobody noes tat i cant be so stress as im having LOW BLOOD pressure! i do not have enough blood in me which is due to the bad genes tat i hav n added with the lost of blood wen my forehead bleeds in the past! tat is the reason i alwayz prevents from going to consult a doctor as i don wanna hear the worst aft dis! now, u all get it! i noe tat i just cant let this thing within me! arrgghh...!!!!

i have failed again!

As a akak, i dont noe y i jus cant take care in taking care of my loved siblings.... wether its my own blood siblings or not, i alwayz failed... in the beginning, my younger god sys had made me disappointed.. n now, another one.. its not tat i am controlling you all but i do it because i care... i noe tat it is now trend to pierce here and there, but if it suits you, then u may go ahead... Now, i have lost of words to say... u may just go ahead... do watever u wanna do.. wat i noe, i had failed in both taking care of you n her..

fading away slowly

as days passes by me, i do feel the different in me... a better me indeed.. but... nobody noes tat watever im doin, there will always be obstacles tat prevents me from doing something! there will alwayz be something tat will make me hurt inside.. watever he is doing now, it reminds me of my past... but nvr mind.. wats in the past is the past... i couldnt stop it from happening... hence, im juz hoping tat he will nvr repeat watever tat i had gone through in the past.... tears was running down my cheeks wen ever i went to MY PRECIOUS THOUGHTS at j.p... tat shop, does leaves me many sweet memories... but yet, hurting... wenever im down n lonely, i will alwayz intend to go to tat shop.. i juz donnoe y... haiz... i juz dont understand myself! i had been having fun in my new relationship wif hym n nothing had hurt me so far but yet, my past is alwayz hunting me...!

to my dear, if it happens tat u read this, im sry if i ever had done any mistakes or intend to change mood in a blink of an eye... even though we had been together for more than 1 mth now, i juz donnoe how n y i couldnt speak to you boud this... i juz nid tym... hope u understand... and i juz nid a favour from u, do tell me wenever i hurt u accidently or purposely so tat i wont repeat it again... which is wat i tried to do these few days by askin the rest to hav an open table talk... i juz don wan any misunderstandin between us... so, juz to make it clear, im juz doing it cause i love u more than words as to compare to the rest of my ex..

Loved ones

they are the ones tat had brightens up my days.. even though im losing one of my dearest gerlfrewn, i still have them... yet, i still miss her..but wat can i do, she is no longer wif us due to some personal reason... haiz.. this few weeks, i had been slcking wif them since morning, as early as 8 am to 8 pm... which is one day long..! it is all due to my fault tat they had to slack wif me tat long as i have been thrown out from werk but i didnt tell my parents yet about it.. i juz don wanna broke their hearts hence, im now waiting for the right tym to tell them.. wen will it be, i myself not so sure... im not yet ready to tell them bout it as mama really2 wants me to get the job as u all noe..haiz... but watever it is, thx for everything frewns.... thx for cheering me up ... ^_^

we wont be happy lyk we used to

wen people says tat we are changing , we alwayz will try to think back on wat does they really mean by we are changing.. here goes wif mine n hers friendship. from days to days , im seeing a different in her... wen can she ever realise tat she is changing? wen??!! i do really nid the real her.. the one tat will listen to advices n will alwayz think before she do something... i do noe tat she realised tat wat she had done, had broke my trust on her... wat if other peopel tat cares bout her noe boud wat had happened as wat she had told me?! she would definitely broke other's people's heart n trust too..! beb! i juz wan u to realise tat u r no longer yourself ! pliz.. do find back the real u...! i do really miz our friendship! pliz wake up from your sleep...! open your eyes n think wat u r really doing now! im not angry but juz a little dissappointed in you...