lock up!

as wat i said, without hym, i will never be able to control myself... yeah... i was in the lock up for the whole nyte n u wanna noe how it feels? it was damn bored! sitting alone in an enclosed place n no one to talk to, it was just a boring thing..! but luckily, maybe they still pity me wen they get to noe my parents reaction tat they don wanna bail me out n the way they scold me wif vulgur words in front of them, they gave me advices n did some jokes wen i was in the lock up...! lyk wth sia... idk whose scissor was left then the singh officer asked me wat is the used o the scissor then i replied to cut things la.. then he said, no.. it is to cut your hair as wen u sit inside alone n your hair covers your face, it freaks me out.. hehes.. some of them were laughing.. haiz... then sat in there wif my sleepy eyes lyk stupid person... waited for my parents to bail me out.. then finally, aft a few times the officers talked n called my parents, in the end my dad decided to bail me out... in the beginning, i thought my dad is going to beat me up lyk wat he usually did but donnoe y, he didnt.. y? afraid i beat u up izit?! haha! idiot! till now, they didnt talked to me... haiz... so wat?! didnt bother bout me? then i wont even wanna think bout u! get tat?! hais.. on the 28 april, i will have to go there n give statement again... n if im wrg, i will be thrown in for 20 years! imagine! 20 years?! haiz.. but aft think bout it back, i think its better... at least i can forget bout hym n run away from having probs wif my parents... haiz...

appearance difference..

isnt it obvious now tat im changing slowly? yes , aqirah.... thz for noticing it... not many did realise it so i purposely collage this pic... as wat i said, i will be changing.... im sry to hurt those tat think im not thinking of the rest of u... i do think about u guys ok... especially to all my bbygals.... eyfa, ana, aqirah, ila , eeqah n tirisyia.... i love you all but things doesnt go the way i wan it to be... if u all think tat u cant take my changes for now, i think u guys shud be prepare for more.. n be more patient wif me... the only hing tat wont change will be my love to u bbygals n my craziness... tats all...

to guess:

please tell me who u are if u do really know me... don say tat tat wil be for now... u start it so don end it... tell me who u really are ok.... n thx for caring n "LOVE" me ok...

Sorry to those tat will be effected by my changes...

Now, im no longer crying for hym.. im just gonna move on wif my life.. wif my own world of having fun till he end eventhough it will just make my sins more in my life.. so wat?! im no longer mother fcuking care bout myself now.. aft giving n loving someone lyk hell n get dumped in just a glance, wat do u expect? haha! now i noe tat wat they were telling me while i was wif u was true.. i loveme not becoz of love but because of my body... so now, since u just love me for my body ryte, i will make u hate my body k... haiz... no use me talikng without actions ryte... hmm.. just wait for the tym to come aites... n i swear, i wont regret tat boi! NEVER! hahahaha! watever la... its just a waste of tym for me talking bout this... hmm... so, yeah... im moving on... n hope u would b able to follow hys steps of havin TTMs k.. i dont mind.. n it seems tat u r no different than black.. both are just the same in the behaviour towards gurls n words... haha! hence, goodbye to you.. n hi to my new life..!

TO MY SYGS, SRY IF I WILL BE CHANGING MYSELF AFTER THIS... FIRSTLY, I WILL CHANGE BY MY APPEARANCE N THEN MY BEHAVIOUR....SO, SORRY IF THIS WILL RESULT IN HURTING U ALL... WATEVER HAPPENS, JUST REMEMBER TAT I WILL BE THE SAME TOWARDS YOU, MY BBYGALS... BUT JUST TO SOME PEOPLE, I WILL BE HARD TO THEM.. N TO THOSE TAT WILL WANT TO MAKE FRENS WIF ME, ESPECIALLY GUYS, I WILL BUSTERD U GUYS K... THIS IS WAT I LEARN FOR 2 MONTHS... SO, PREPARE FOR THE NEW AHGERL KAYSIOW EHSAI FOREVER OKAY!

My bbyGALS... I miss you all!

Name : Tirisyiaaa Bhonchyet Kaysiow
my beloved hunny and will always be loved...miss her lots... has helped me alot too.. make her angry, i will give hell to you k!
Name : IlahBeylo Kaysiow
My fierce tk menjadi gurl as she is always sweet n was never evil to anione unless u make her lyk your enemy then she will burst up... yet still, she will always smile... break her heart, i will definitely break your face!
Name: EyfaKechykk
Didnt noe if she is in the kaysiow gurls or not.... but im taking her as part of us... she is my lovely biatch... always smiles lyk her younger sys... 19 yet lyk our age.. lyk to joke around.. easy to be with at any moment... do any shit to her, i will make your face turn lyk a stupid shit!

Name: Eeqah Geeky Kaysiow

A nice n simple gurl tat just cant stop saying the word " LOL " ... I just donnoe y... hehes.. yet, still lyk the rest, calm at most of the times n becyok most of the tyms.. hehes.. FAKE... actually a nice n friendly person.... mess wif her, i will mess up your fcuking life kaey...!

im changing

from day to day, i noe tat im getting worse and had never imagined tat i will be changing myself lyk dis soo fast.. hasiz.. how i mizz to be lyk the past... thx to you for giving me these stupid chance... i have told u tat i couldn't guide myself without u... u want me to depend on someone else? wat can they do..? haiz.. i guess... i will be much worst more than these as days past by... i dont noe shud i thank u or shud i say u r stupid to let me go n let me be lyk dis.. haiz.... just fyi, i wont bother to ask u animore boud wen we will be able to be able to get back as i don wan later on, ppl might thought tat im the kind of gurl tat will beg for the guy back eventhough the guy dont wan me back... i dont want tat impression to be putted on me.. hence, i think, i will just wait silently n do my normal routine... nvm.. u just go ahead in watever u wanna do.. i do care.. now maybe not only u but another person might not realise it... both of u do watever u wan wif your so called beloved frens n bros... but remember, if one day both of u dont noe who to turn up to, to ask for help... just come back to us n i will help u aites...

MY BABYGALS

whoever tat make either one of them hurt, u will get it from the rest of us... these are the BBK tat alwayz will be together as the rest is always bz wif their own stuff... eventhough the BBK has shrenk to only 5 gurls, it is still fun k.. to the rest except for eeqah, korang bleyh jln sua... to mieyra.. laen kali, ngn sys sendiri jgn nk crk psl k.. t susah nanti lao hal jd besar.. hais...

speechless

today morning, i woke up late.. shud met my sys at 9.30 but due to some reason of me sleeping late, i woke up at 10... so was in a rush in the morning and met my sys at 10.30.. the slacked wif her at block 689' senior corner n she had to go off at 11... thought of tagging her along to eunos to meet her frens n make more new frens.. but too bad, had promised eyfa to follow her to clementi for something... so waited for wan till 12+.. n i was alone all along while waited for hym... met hym then went to buy cig at boon lay... i was hurt but yet happy as i could at least see n talk to hym even though we r no longer together... talked while walking n we were talking lyk normal frens.. i was glad enuf tat i was able to hold back my tears wif my smile... im not sure if he notice or not tat i was a little crazy as i was trying my best to hold my tears from bursting in front of hym... glad to hear tat he is going to find job... but isn't it goin to make u tired dear..? haiz... nvm.. im not going to say anitink as i don wanna make an impression to others tat im preventing u from doing this n dat...aft bought the cig, we walk to our separate ways... he went to mit atop n i went to meet eyfa.. met eyfa at her house then went out wif her 1+ to 2... bus-ed to clementi n walked again towards her so called fren's blok.. blablabla... proceed back to jp at 3.30 n text bear.. met bear a pondok lib at 4+ then slacked wif hym all the way till 6.30... went back home for a while n out again at 6.45 to meet them again.. slacked n eyfa had to go off then left me wif bear.. talked bout many things... all about life, relationship n stuff.. did talked seriously yet still joke ard.. both me n bear had the same feeling for the relationship part.. hahas.. jiwer lhar seyh.. haiz... so passed hym one song n let hym hear it... he was lyk.."sial lah... kimek..." almost every words has its own meaning tat has something to do wif us.. hais.. went back home at 8.00 n now, im here blogging n listening to jiwang songs... mama is getting more irritated by this.. haha..! serve u ryte mom! haiz... now, im speechless... just hoping tat he will realise the mistake he is doing now.. n only me wif one of my fren knew the mistake tat he is doing but he didnt realise it... haiz...

due to my stupidity..

nvr expected tat 26 march 2010 will b our separation date.. i noe tat i had done alot of mistakes... n i mean ALOT!! but y u just cant tell me n tegor me wen i did the mistakes.... jus for u to noe, im the kind of person yg senang kene influence... i just cant control myself n then wil intend to do stupid things... u said tat u dont lyk me saying im stupid but tats the fact! as wat u can see.... due to my stupidity, all these thing happens..!

1) went out wif ex without thinking of your feelings..

2) had a love bite from faiz..

3) hug n kiss from khai..

4) stole things even u said no..

5) talks bout faiz in front of you..

6) hide cig away from u..

7) had thought of leaving u..

i noe tat is all due to my stupidity..! i alwayz think of myself.. i admit i wanna change to a better person..! but i cant.. i will just intend to go back to my past..! im sry... i admit all is mt stupidity! now, after u left me, i noe i cant leave without u.. i kept on thinking of u day n nyte! n tat is a real situation..! not trying to sweet talk or wat.. but its the fact...! watever i do, i kept on thinking of u.. even if faiz contact me, i just cant erase u off my mind.. had never been in this situation before.. in the past, if the guy ask me for a break, i will juz be happy n find a new guy.. but for u, i just cant! i just cant.... i love u dear... wen i saw u passing by my balcony just now, i just intend to turn back.. i just cant hold my tears back... its just hard for me.. 2 days... for 2 days i had been crying n blaming myself... now, i couldnt cry... my tears r dry.. but just for you to noe, my heart n bleed n hurt.... not because of you but because of myself... for being stupid... for being the reasons of our break up... sry dear... im really2 sory.... aft i had received to by god's approval tat u wil giv me a second chance, i was really2 appreciate tat... thx... as for you to noe, i will just wait for the day to come even though i wont be the same.. i might be going to the dark side wihout u by my side.. i maybe going to the bright side if im strong enuf but now, i don think im able to go to the bright side... as im now leading to the dark side... hope tat u wil return to me real soon as i cant think straight without u.. im now half to the dark side.. soon, i will be at the dark side forever... i nid u boi... i really2 miss n i really2 love u... im sry for the past... sry..

nightmare....

yesterday was a nightmare to me.. i cried all night thinking of it... now, im totally confused of who am i going to go wit.. wan, khai or faiz?? i bet u people may guess how i feel if u were in my place... y shud this happens wen im in relationship wif someone...? i love wan n on the same time both of them.. they are juz too nice to me... y shud faiz came back to me at this moment of tym?! plz! i don wan my relationship to spoil just because of these... eventhough my relationship n wan is rocky now, can you lyk don add it on.. i m who i am... will nvr break up just lyk dat... told didi bout it but he says many of the bad points about wan n khai... but on the other hand, he did no noe who is faiz..! faiz is a nice person but y shud he juz left me in a glance n went wif another gurl?! i noe its hard for me to face the reality at the point of moment... but if we look at the other side, i am nobody to control hys life... told hym tat i was not at hym last nite but he said tat it willl make hym harder to face me... haiz... people, wat shud i do now....?!

now you will noe k!

not all may noe tat i had been smiling without sincerely.. i may laugh n join ard wif your jokes but im crying inside... n again, only some people noe bout it... but not fully as different people, i tell them the next reasons... i wont tell a single person fully as i noe it will make an easy way for people to understand me but im not easy, i wont let anione noes the real me... not a single soul...

for me, im now a failure for this few days as i had been a lousy person since i had been sacked from the ofis werk place... lyk wth! y my life shud be lyk dis! can i juz have some peace plz....! for god sake! im not feeling well n yet dis kind of things happened! k fine! nobody noes tat i cant be so stress as im having LOW BLOOD pressure! i do not have enough blood in me which is due to the bad genes tat i hav n added with the lost of blood wen my forehead bleeds in the past! tat is the reason i alwayz prevents from going to consult a doctor as i don wanna hear the worst aft dis! now, u all get it! i noe tat i just cant let this thing within me! arrgghh...!!!!

i have failed again!

As a akak, i dont noe y i jus cant take care in taking care of my loved siblings.... wether its my own blood siblings or not, i alwayz failed... in the beginning, my younger god sys had made me disappointed.. n now, another one.. its not tat i am controlling you all but i do it because i care... i noe tat it is now trend to pierce here and there, but if it suits you, then u may go ahead... Now, i have lost of words to say... u may just go ahead... do watever u wanna do.. wat i noe, i had failed in both taking care of you n her..

fading away slowly

as days passes by me, i do feel the different in me... a better me indeed.. but... nobody noes tat watever im doin, there will always be obstacles tat prevents me from doing something! there will alwayz be something tat will make me hurt inside.. watever he is doing now, it reminds me of my past... but nvr mind.. wats in the past is the past... i couldnt stop it from happening... hence, im juz hoping tat he will nvr repeat watever tat i had gone through in the past.... tears was running down my cheeks wen ever i went to MY PRECIOUS THOUGHTS at j.p... tat shop, does leaves me many sweet memories... but yet, hurting... wenever im down n lonely, i will alwayz intend to go to tat shop.. i juz donnoe y... haiz... i juz dont understand myself! i had been having fun in my new relationship wif hym n nothing had hurt me so far but yet, my past is alwayz hunting me...!

to my dear, if it happens tat u read this, im sry if i ever had done any mistakes or intend to change mood in a blink of an eye... even though we had been together for more than 1 mth now, i juz donnoe how n y i couldnt speak to you boud this... i juz nid tym... hope u understand... and i juz nid a favour from u, do tell me wenever i hurt u accidently or purposely so tat i wont repeat it again... which is wat i tried to do these few days by askin the rest to hav an open table talk... i juz don wan any misunderstandin between us... so, juz to make it clear, im juz doing it cause i love u more than words as to compare to the rest of my ex..

Loved ones

they are the ones tat had brightens up my days.. even though im losing one of my dearest gerlfrewn, i still have them... yet, i still miss her..but wat can i do, she is no longer wif us due to some personal reason... haiz.. this few weeks, i had been slcking wif them since morning, as early as 8 am to 8 pm... which is one day long..! it is all due to my fault tat they had to slack wif me tat long as i have been thrown out from werk but i didnt tell my parents yet about it.. i juz don wanna broke their hearts hence, im now waiting for the right tym to tell them.. wen will it be, i myself not so sure... im not yet ready to tell them bout it as mama really2 wants me to get the job as u all noe..haiz... but watever it is, thx for everything frewns.... thx for cheering me up ... ^_^

we wont be happy lyk we used to

wen people says tat we are changing , we alwayz will try to think back on wat does they really mean by we are changing.. here goes wif mine n hers friendship. from days to days , im seeing a different in her... wen can she ever realise tat she is changing? wen??!! i do really nid the real her.. the one tat will listen to advices n will alwayz think before she do something... i do noe tat she realised tat wat she had done, had broke my trust on her... wat if other peopel tat cares bout her noe boud wat had happened as wat she had told me?! she would definitely broke other's people's heart n trust too..! beb! i juz wan u to realise tat u r no longer yourself ! pliz.. do find back the real u...! i do really miz our friendship! pliz wake up from your sleep...! open your eyes n think wat u r really doing now! im not angry but juz a little dissappointed in you...

Hey people... So, this is my fresh new blog... Sorry for keep changing blogs... first n for all, i just wanna make it clear, i dont wan any rubbish in this blog k... had enuf of shits in my previous blogs...

so, this few days, had been a nightmare to me... last week, on the 19th feb 2010, i was having gastric, early in the morning on tat day, i had quarrel wif mom N the most fucking thing tat happened was , " Hello, Siti. I juz would like to inform you tat your service had been terminated due to your bad attendance which is 4 days mc in this 1 mth... Hence, you will not be able to get your salary for this month n you oso will have to pay back the amount of money tat this company had took out for you for your education in ITE. It is a total of $250 and don't forget, u still old me $100 bucks tat u borrowed from me to buy presents for your younger brother's birthday. thank you. bye." Isn't tat soo damn fucking irritating....! told wan n didi bout it a both were oso angried n pissed off aft hearing it... fuck sia...

till now, i donnoe wen to tell my parents bout it.. i noe tat mama will be heartbrokened to hear it as she really2 wants me to get the job n get a certificate in the business office skills... but.. tat is now left with dreams.. i cant imagine mama's face wen she gets to noe bout this.. wif baba making scenes aft scenes n mama havin other personal prob tat i couldn't mention in here, it is all making me crazy...! i noe tat these all obstacles is trying to see how patience am i but im not tat strong... i m no longer strong enuf to handle all this prob myself the way im used to in the past..! i myself hav my own probs wif my unstable health now... how shud i cope wif these things..?

I had tried hard to change myself but it seems, nobody appreciate it... it doesnt worth a little bit at all... everytime i tried to change myself to be a better person in life, things will turn out either wrong or something else will prevent me from changing... such as drinking alcoholic drinks..! i tried to stop but wif all these probs dat im facing, i dont think i could... wat i need now is just someone to lean on n to here every off my probs n help me out to solve it... as wat i said, im no strong animore..! pls ... if ever someone out there tat care to help me out, plz do help me... i do really need someone to talk to... even though u see me smiling, u will nvr noe dat tat was all fake..! im juz smiling to make others happy... n i dont wanna make those tat care for me soo much to see me cry n worried... haiz.... i noe it might sounds lame.. but wat can i say... tat is me.. n the real me, only afew people noes... not all...

hence, i will try my very best still to be a good gurl instead of being the real me in my past... i wanna turn a new leaf...